[for Hedwig] Practically perfect people never permit sentiment to muddle their thinking

[so_catholic]

 
There's no denying it. It's been one hell of a Christmas. Considering this is Danny's second in the space of four months, he really could have done with a quiet, uneventful few days where all he did was sleep in, tidy up and go to church. Sleeping had been hit and miss, his apartment looks like a bombsite with day-old laundry lying around (in a basket, tucked away, but still) and church is a word best left unspoken.

Today, he had planned on cooking pasta fazool while he and Father Anthony dissected the complexities of Daniel Alan Castellano's life, starting with his childhood and ending with the impure thoughts he'd had last week when he'd inadvertently walked in on the end of Mary Poppins in the doctors' lounge. Was it the accent or the flying or the talking umbrella? Now he'll never know.

Instead, Danny's fresh from the shower after a session at the gym, legs stretched out on his couch, cool flannel resting over his eyes. He has the tv on in the background as company, some show about the fifty funniest moments in the history of Darrow, and Mindy's neck massager pressed to the tense muscles just above his shoulder, the constant buzz a comforting substitute for his old white noise machine back home.

Comments

[beautifulandnew]

"This isn't Pretty Woman, Danny. I'm not the whore who needs to be saved from her lot in life. Donate it to your church. Maybe then they can buy a priest who doesn't buy oral sex." Or he'd be giving the current priests there money in order to go and pay for exactly that. Who knows?

"I think Mindy's massager needs new batteries." Whether that's because of Mindy herself or Danny is a mystery, but I can't help but laugh a little either way.

[so_catholic]

"I know that one," Danny says proudly with a point, as he backs away to fetch the massager. Maybe he's deliberately taking advantage of Hedwig's laughter, trying to capitalize on a moment of lightheartedness so he doesn't have to see any more watery eyes. "That's the one with Julia Roberts and the old guy and Julia's always running outta churches, I've seen the advert."

He bends down to pick up Mindy's stress-relieving tool. "I know this isn't a movie, Hansel. This is just one friend trying to help out another friend so he doesn't have to pleasure strangers for a while to make rent."

[beautifulandnew]

And he's touching it again. Why? Why couldn't he have just let dead vibrators lie? Ugh.

"I don't have a problem with pleasuring strangers. You have a problem with me pleasuring strangers. And luckily for you and your bank account, we're not friends. Remember?" I say, sliding the envelope onto the nearest flat surface. "If we are, you've certainly chosen a convenient time to make the upgrade."

[so_catholic]

"How can you not have a problem with pleasuring strangers?!" Danny asks, in his squirmy agitated way, like even voicing the question is wrong. "Strangers are the worst."

He deposits the massager by the envelope and picks the latter straight back up again, slapping it against an open palm. "Semantics, whatever." He doesn't want to make a big deal of it, as evidenced by his shrug. "You're a nice man. I like you."

[beautifulandnew]

"Being paid for it helps...," I say with a shrug. Or wasn't that much obvious? It's not as if I was doing this stuff for free or else we wouldn't be here having this conversation.

"And when you're not being a jackass I guess you're a nice man, too." It's a shame he was kind of a jackass a lot of the time, which made that difficult to see for some. And jackass or not, I like him, too. In ways that I shouldn't, which I'm certain he knows by now and which this act of kindness really doesn't help with, so I don't say it. "I appreciate what you're trying to do. I do. I just can't... It doesn't feel right."

[so_catholic]

With the realization that he has to admit defeat, Danny's head drops, cheeks puffed as he expels a long huff of hot air. How can selling himself to strangers feel more right to Hedwig than taking a lifeline when it's offered to him?

"I don't like it," he tells his shoes, before lifting his gaze up along with his palms. "I don't like it." It's as if he thinks his opinion matters. "But I'll shut up about it." He won't respect it, on account of the fact Danny's pretty sure Hedwig is booking his ticket to Hell, but he can go a little way to respecting Hedwig's decision to go it alone.

[beautifulandnew]

"That's fine. I wouldn't expect you to, but I want your sympathy about as much as I want your money. Save it for singing orphans and three-legged dogs." Simply put, I don't want anything to change. I don't want him to look at me from now on and just see Hansel, the guy with the alternative means of obtaining an income.

[so_catholic]

Danny had given Mindy a lot of stick for letting a prostitute inside his New York apartment, so he can only imagine the mountain of humble pie she'll make him eat if she ever finds out about Hedwig. There are differences, of course, not least of which is that Mindy's male escort was an idiot.

"We cool?" Danny checks, resting his hands on his waist. More yelling is fine, he was raised on loud voices, but he'd rather not be beaten with something that's meant to relax him, if he can help it.

[beautifulandnew]

"We cool," I nod, mimicking his accent. And then, just because I can't leave well enough alone: "Under one condition. You let me replace Mindy's vi--neck massager. Or get you your own so you don't have to ever, ever borrow hers again. It's the least I can do after ruining baby Jesus' birthday for you."

[so_catholic]

The voice change is quickly becoming another Hedwig-being-Hedwig things, though this is the first time Danny's able to appreciate it without fearing for his safety. It's kind of impressive, like a magic trick.

"You know what? That's not a bad idea," he considers, a smile capturing his face while he unconsciously kneads the back of his neck. "I left my deep pan at Mindy's a couple days ago and she's not answering my messages." As the hours go by, Danny's more and more convinced she's realized the letter is from him and that's it. They're done. Clearly, posting anything to anyone anonymously and getting away with it is not Danny's forte.

"I think she's holding it hostage until I give this back to her," he continues, holding up the massager. "She must really love it."

[beautifulandnew]

"Oh, I agree. She really must, and I bet that's exactly what she's doing." Because she has nothing better to do with her life than to hold a pot hostage. I only play along to keep his enthusiasm for the idea intact.

"She's probably cutting out individual letters from her magazines in order to put together a ransom note as we speak. So that's a yes?"

[so_catholic]

"She'll start with threats but yeah, that's," Danny gestures at him, missing the sarcasm, "she's done that before. That's accurate."

After a moment of hesitation, he dips his chin, looking at Hedwig over the rim of his glasses. "Okay, but I'm buying the batteries, okay?" Danny had begun all this trying to help him out financially, not score a free gift for himself. But Hedwig has already said his attempt to help was insulting, so refusing his one condition would probably just add to it.

[beautifulandnew]

"Yes, yes, that's fine," I say, sliding his hideous glasses up the bridge of his nose with my index finger. Ordinarily, I would say that giving someone a gift an not including the batteries is a bit half-assed, but I've gotten all the agreement I need out of him, so he could have that much if it made him feel better.

"Tomorrow?"

[so_catholic]

The help with his glasses is a little weird but ultimately harmless, Danny thinks, so he just presses his lips together for a second and meets Hedwig's gaze. "Thank you."

Danny's work schedule has pretty much been the opposite of Mindy's for the past couple of weeks; he's had more time off than he's known what to do with. "Sure. It's not like I'll be going to church," he quips, and while it's lighthearted, it doesn't quite strike the amusing chord that he intended.

[beautifulandnew]

"Yeah. I'm sorry your priest turned out to be a perv," I say, and while I do mean it, to some extent, it's difficult to make a statement like that sound very sincere. I'm not sorry for exposing the man or the act that led to it, but I am sorry that it had ruined Danny's day and that he is obviously still reeling from it.

Not sorry enough to miss out on a chance of having a bit of fun at his expense, however.

"Tomorrow then. I think I know the place where Mindy might have gotten hers." And I think if I actually manage to get him through the door he'll end up cutting his boycott short and wind up in a church, anyway.