so_catholic | Sometimes it's easier to run than to walk [dated 17th Nov 2014]

It's overdue, Danny knows that. Like a lot of things in his life right now, he's put it off for too long. He's made half-hearted attempts to apologize but nothing that has made him properly face up to what he did and admit he was wrong to do it.

As much as he's used to people thinking he's cold, mean and hating him, it's not something that naturally sits well with Danny, even when he finds himself doing or saying things that perpetuate that perception of him. Over time he's learnt to ignore the desire to fix it, come to believe that it's out of his control. Inevitable. What's the point of trying to be a better version of himself if the end result is the same every time? People leave. All the more reason to give them absolutely no cause to stay in the first place.

When he knocks on Kevin's door, he's not trying to improve himself. He's going back to basics instead, starting at the bottom. Just trying to be a decent guy.

"Hey...Kevin? Are you in?" He knocks again, wondering if he's calling too late. "It's Danny. Castellano. Subway guy."

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"What? No. I came to talk about..." At a loss for words, Danny clasps his hands together, making a slow three-sixty turn on the spot for inspiration. He'd come to apologize but he's not quite sure yet what makes this time different from the last.

"About the--has the landlord been giving you any trouble?" He asks, lowering his head as if peering at Kevin over the top of a pair of invisible glasses. "Because he's a total slimeball. So if he's been giving you any trouble, then, y'know, you can tell me and..."

"And? What? You'll hit him, too?" Kevin doesn't disagree with Danny's assessment of their landlord, necessarily, but slimeball or not, he doesn't think that's cause to let Danny loose on him.

"Fair warning - he'll probably hit back."

"I don't just hit people as a hobby," Danny insists, though he's relieved Kevin has brought the topic up himself. Left to his own devices, they probably still would have been talking about the decor come dawn.

"I'm a doctor, I help people. If I hit them too they usually deserve it."

Before Kevin, Danny would have said 'always'.

"Because you decided they deserved it? Who are you? Besides a guy who's already admitted to having a temper?" A short one, Kevin's learned. On any given day what Danny determines is deserving of getting physical with someone could be just about anything.

"And don't hide behind the occupation. It doesn't mean anything."

"No, because...because they deserved it," Danny says a little lamely but it's what he believes, so he can't defend himself with much else. "Look, it normally takes a lot more than a few digs at my height to get me that worked up. You caught me on a bad day. It wasn't..." He gestures at Kevin. "Personal."

"It was a bad day for everyone, Danny. Myself included. I was stuck on that train with you." And he might have even apologized for what he said and how out of sorts he'd acted, but he doesn't feel like he has to. Nothing he said or did crossed the line.

"You shuffled through excuses after it happened and you're doing it again now. I don't know what you think changed in the past few days that makes them better today."

"How is that an excuse?" He asks, a bewildered look on his face, shoulders lifting to his ears. "I'm trying to explain. I'm trying to apologize here. I'm not a violent guy." He doesn't get why it's so hard for Kevin to hear the apology and accept it. Maybe Mormons secretly enjoy watching people squirm. "I'm really, I'm kind of flummoxed right now."

"'You caught me on a bad day' doesn't sound like an excuse to you?" Probably because he was the one saying it, not hearing it, but that isn't Kevin's problem. "Not even a good excuse at that. Do you think you could find someone who'd tell you that was a great day for them? Because I don't."

It's like trying to reason with a wall. Frustrated, Kevin pushes his fingers through his hair and takes in a breath.

"I know what you're trying to do." He's just really bad at it. "You feel bad, you know you were wrong. So apologize and just... stop talking." The whys don't mean anything to Kevin. The explanations are just insulting and are working against Danny, not for him.

Danny really wants to point out that setting the scene is important but the more rational side of him knows keeping quiet and letting Kevin speak is his best option.

"Um, do you," he folds his arms tightly, "do you want me to stop talking right now or apologize first? You just, you gotta be clear otherwise I might make this worse."

Kevin thought he had met the most infuriating human being on the planet in Arnold Cunningham, but then there was Danny.

"H-how are you an actual functioning adult?!" Kevin asks, the heels of his palms pressed hard against his eye sockets.

"I've had to live with a handbook that pretty much forbids me from interacting with certain demographics because, you know, we're grown enough to be sent out across the world and preach the Good Word, but not mature enough to handle the most basic forms of human contact without a companion there to save you from yourself and what you might do or say or-- But then there's someone like you, who doesn't have any of that, completely inept, and is just basically set loose on the general public. How?"

Apparently Danny has magical powers. The powers to make a situation worse just by voicing the very possibility of it. He assumes that most of what he hears has more to do with Kevin than him, so all he does is scratch his jaw, arms still wrapped tightly around himself.

That is until yet another insult trips from the Mormon's lips.

"Hey, hey, that's enough," he says, in the same tone of voice he used to use when disciplining Richie. Danny had never, not once, ever hit his brother though. But Kevin, he's clearly mastered the art of pushing. It was exactly that kind of disrespect that had riled Danny up on the subway.

"Did you think before you spoke just then?" he asks, finding it easier to keep his hands to himself this time without the added pressure of the day.

"I'm not trying to save myself from having to say 'I'm sorry' thirty-seven times during any given conversation." Kevin isn't sorry for anything he's just said, so he's not worried about having to apologize at all.

"The only reason I'd have to think twice before speaking to you is out of fear of being hit again for saying something you don't like. I'm not doing that, so I hope that wasn't what you were aiming for."

"Fear?" Danny repeats, hoping he's misheard but knowing he hasn't. He doesn't want anyone thinking that about him. Kevin makes it sound like he's on trial for a domestic abuse case and that doesn't sit well with Danny at all.

His head tips back in defeat. "I'm not trying to scare--I'm not a monster, come on. This is ridiculous."

"Then it's ridiculous, Danny," Kevin says, shrugging. "I think a grown man who chooses to retaliate with unnecessary violence in situations that don't call for it is sort of ridiculous, but that's just me."

"Okay..." Danny thanks his lucky stars he didn't know Kevin back in New York. He doesn't think he would have survived his and his Ma's guilt trips. There's no denying it though - it's all really very Catholic of Kevin.

"For the final time then, I'm sorry," he breathes as he unfolds his arms, trying to let the tension go. "You've caught your neck on something, by the way. In case you didn't know." Danny hasn't exactly gone far into Kevin's apartment, so it doesn't take him more than a second or two to be back by the door. "I'll leave you in peace."

He listened.

Sort of...

Danny keeps talking after the apology, but it isn't to hurl around excuses this time. Kevin nods in response, absently moving a hand to his neck.

"Bye."

"Yeah," Danny says quietly to himself as lets himself out of the apartment. When he closes the door behind him, he's not sure if he's made things better or worse than they were before he'd arrived.

Looks like it will take a bit longer for time to tell.

Sometimes it's easier to run than to walk [dated 17th Nov 2014]

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